Illinois

Illinois surrenders! It waves the white flag. Speaking of conflicts that didn't end well: Vietnam! A soldier stationed there pointed out to the state assembly that when he looked around his mess hall, he couldn't find his home state flag. So, in 1969, the "Illinois" label was added. That seems like a stop-gap measure to me. The problem is that the state seal has nothing unique on it. Eagle, shield, olive branch, banner and sunrise. Now that's specific.
Me to the rescue!

Simple, elegant, bold. If you need me to justify this design, I'll humor you. You look like you've had a hard day. The three fields of color are reminiscent of the French Tricolor, after the Frenchman who corrected the pronunciation of the native people who were foolishly saying "irenwe-wa." The color echoes the state flower, the violet, and the three black stars represent the three geographical regions of the state: The top, the bottom, and the one in between. But we don't need silly justifications, do we? It just feels right! You're welcome, Illinois!

New York

Here we have the flag of the "Empire State." We have Liberty on the left (though not the female personification of Liberty most New Yorkers are familiar with) who has just killed another smurf. On the right is Justice, and there are the standard "kitchen sink" flag items like an eagle, globe, rope, shield, blah blah blah. We also have an ad for the antique packing material excelsior for some reason. Give it up, New York. Everybody is using those inflated bags or the peanuts made out of cornstarch these days! Also there is a rope shield with a depiction of green hills and water. Not what I think of when I think of New York. Say what you will, Utica. Complain all you want, Adirondacks. But New York is about The City.

Here we go. A giant steel and concrete phallus stabbing the heavens! That's New York! The thirteen windows represent the original thirteen colonies, as do the thirteen light rays (one hidden by the building). In my opinion, dark gray is a woefully underused color in flags. This might be the only example of gray appearing on a flag anywhere in the world! There you go New York! What's that? You say your favorite building is the prissy Chrysler, or the wrinkled Gehry, or the Freedom Tower set to be completed in 2140? No it isn't. It's the Empire State Building. That is your favorite building. Adopt this flag, New York. You're welcome.

Tennessee

Here's one more acceptable state flag: my home state of Tennessee. No hand, no words, very nice. The three stars in the circle represent the three areas of Tennessee: the majestic Smokey Mountains in the east, the fertile Mississippi River Valley in the west, and the hideous, featureless Hellscape in the middle. I always assumed the blue stripe down the fly had something to do with one end of Tennessee being bordered by the Mississippi, but the official reason is so that "the flag doesn't show too much crimson when limp." We've all been there!

Wisconsin

This is the Wisconsin state flag. What's all that crap crammed in the center? I'll tell you, because nobody could possibly make out all that junk flapping at the top of a pole. We have a plow, an anchor, a baking soda logo, a shovel, two pickaxes, a guy with a weird beard, a guy with a weirder hat, two shields, a cornucopia, a badger, a "forward" banner, three ropes, a lead pyramid(?), and a belt which is clearly both buckled and tied. What does this say about Wisconsin? We do all the same things all the other states do, badgers live here, and we really don't want our pants to fall down.

May I humbly suggest an alternative?

Here we have a green field representing agriculture bordered on the top and bottom by blue stripes representing Lake Michigan, Green Bay, and the many lakes and rivers in Wisconsin. I've also included a reference to DAIRY, for crying out loud. The five cheese wedges have the angular proportions of a five pointed star and create in their negative space a bold "Packers Green" W. This is a flag any Wisconsinite could fly with pride or recognize from about 40 miles away. Write your congressman.

Texas and North Carolina

I know, I brought up how great the Texas flag is before. But I'm reintroducing it so I can compare it to North Carolina.

From a distance, this flag would look like the Texas flag flown "in distress." North Carolina's flag used to have the red and blue areas in the opposite positions. Also the star was bigger and it didn't have gold banners. Who knows why they changed it, but now it looks too much like Texas. Also, there are words all over the place. No one wants to read when they look at a flag. I have a proposal. It's a little radical. But keep in mind that Ohio doesn't have any right angles. Are you going to be outdone by Ohio, North Carolina? Keep in mind: Ohio put the Wright Flyer on their state quarter! So you have a score to settle.

This requires a little explanation. First of all, the light blue area is not part of the flag. It's sky. Second, as you can see, the red and blue have been switched back to their original positions. Also, in order to outdo Ohio with their pennant shaped flag, North Carolina can have the first flag that enters the Third Dimension! In honor of the actual location of the birth of flight, the North Carolina flag is now a conical windsock, which would have been very important for determining wind direction for Orville and Wilbur as they launched their rattletrap manned kite. No one will mistake this flag for Texas!