Illinois

Illinois surrenders! It waves the white flag. Speaking of conflicts that didn't end well: Vietnam! A soldier stationed there pointed out to the state assembly that when he looked around his mess hall, he couldn't find his home state flag. So, in 1969, the "Illinois" label was added. That seems like a stop-gap measure to me. The problem is that the state seal has nothing unique on it. Eagle, shield, olive branch, banner and sunrise. Now that's specific.
Me to the rescue!

Simple, elegant, bold. If you need me to justify this design, I'll humor you. You look like you've had a hard day. The three fields of color are reminiscent of the French Tricolor, after the Frenchman who corrected the pronunciation of the native people who were foolishly saying "irenwe-wa." The color echoes the state flower, the violet, and the three black stars represent the three geographical regions of the state: The top, the bottom, and the one in between. But we don't need silly justifications, do we? It just feels right! You're welcome, Illinois!

New York

Here we have the flag of the "Empire State." We have Liberty on the left (though not the female personification of Liberty most New Yorkers are familiar with) who has just killed another smurf. On the right is Justice, and there are the standard "kitchen sink" flag items like an eagle, globe, rope, shield, blah blah blah. We also have an ad for the antique packing material excelsior for some reason. Give it up, New York. Everybody is using those inflated bags or the peanuts made out of cornstarch these days! Also there is a rope shield with a depiction of green hills and water. Not what I think of when I think of New York. Say what you will, Utica. Complain all you want, Adirondacks. But New York is about The City.

Here we go. A giant steel and concrete phallus stabbing the heavens! That's New York! The thirteen windows represent the original thirteen colonies, as do the thirteen light rays (one hidden by the building). In my opinion, dark gray is a woefully underused color in flags. This might be the only example of gray appearing on a flag anywhere in the world! There you go New York! What's that? You say your favorite building is the prissy Chrysler, or the wrinkled Gehry, or the Freedom Tower set to be completed in 2140? No it isn't. It's the Empire State Building. That is your favorite building. Adopt this flag, New York. You're welcome.

Tennessee

Here's one more acceptable state flag: my home state of Tennessee. No hand, no words, very nice. The three stars in the circle represent the three areas of Tennessee: the majestic Smokey Mountains in the east, the fertile Mississippi River Valley in the west, and the hideous, featureless Hellscape in the middle. I always assumed the blue stripe down the fly had something to do with one end of Tennessee being bordered by the Mississippi, but the official reason is so that "the flag doesn't show too much crimson when limp." We've all been there!

Wisconsin

This is the Wisconsin state flag. What's all that crap crammed in the center? I'll tell you, because nobody could possibly make out all that junk flapping at the top of a pole. We have a plow, an anchor, a baking soda logo, a shovel, two pickaxes, a guy with a weird beard, a guy with a weirder hat, two shields, a cornucopia, a badger, a "forward" banner, three ropes, a lead pyramid(?), and a belt which is clearly both buckled and tied. What does this say about Wisconsin? We do all the same things all the other states do, badgers live here, and we really don't want our pants to fall down.

May I humbly suggest an alternative?

Here we have a green field representing agriculture bordered on the top and bottom by blue stripes representing Lake Michigan, Green Bay, and the many lakes and rivers in Wisconsin. I've also included a reference to DAIRY, for crying out loud. The five cheese wedges have the angular proportions of a five pointed star and create in their negative space a bold "Packers Green" W. This is a flag any Wisconsinite could fly with pride or recognize from about 40 miles away. Write your congressman.

Texas and North Carolina

I know, I brought up how great the Texas flag is before. But I'm reintroducing it so I can compare it to North Carolina.

From a distance, this flag would look like the Texas flag flown "in distress." North Carolina's flag used to have the red and blue areas in the opposite positions. Also the star was bigger and it didn't have gold banners. Who knows why they changed it, but now it looks too much like Texas. Also, there are words all over the place. No one wants to read when they look at a flag. I have a proposal. It's a little radical. But keep in mind that Ohio doesn't have any right angles. Are you going to be outdone by Ohio, North Carolina? Keep in mind: Ohio put the Wright Flyer on their state quarter! So you have a score to settle.

This requires a little explanation. First of all, the light blue area is not part of the flag. It's sky. Second, as you can see, the red and blue have been switched back to their original positions. Also, in order to outdo Ohio with their pennant shaped flag, North Carolina can have the first flag that enters the Third Dimension! In honor of the actual location of the birth of flight, the North Carolina flag is now a conical windsock, which would have been very important for determining wind direction for Orville and Wilbur as they launched their rattletrap manned kite. No one will mistake this flag for Texas!

Indiana, Rhode Island and Wyoming

These three flags just need a little tweaking.

See? Indiana has that completely useless word crammed in there.

That was easy. You could argue that the torch has a little hand to it, but not much. I'm gonna let that one slide.

Rhode Island. Nice and square. I like the color scheme, too. But that hope banner has to go.

Fixed. Admit it Rhode Island. That hope banner made you look a little desperate. And look how pretty your flag is without it!

Wyoming has a lot going for it. Just a quick edit.

See? Nice. You didn't need that crap in the middle!

Three more down!

Colorado, Maryland, New Mexico, and Ohio

And now for a few state flags that totally rock and need no changes at all.

Colorado. Excellent.

Maryland. This is my favorite. It's a combination of the coats of arms of two sides of Lord Baltimore's family.

New Mexico. Perfect.

Ohio. This one doesn't even have any right angles!

So no changes needed for any of these. They are great!

Louisiana

Here is the Louisiana state flag. That pelican just looks weird. Also, "confidence", has a strange ring to it. It somehow makes confidence seem unjustified. So, let's get rid of the words and the drawings and look to history!

Here we have Louisiana flag for when they were part of the Confederacy. Luckily there are no uniquely Confederate aspects to this flag. It also has no words, no hand, and plenty of zazz! Those 13 stripes could represent the original colonies or whatever we want to say they represent. But one little change will let us know that this is, and can only be Louisiana's flag.

There you go, Louisiana. That's your flag. You're welcome.

Alaska and Arizona

Alaska's flag needs no help. It's great. No words, no hand, just a field and stars. This is also the only state flag where stars represent actual stars. No more needs to be said.

Here's Arizona's flag. Eye-poppingly gorgeous! This is another example of a star representing something unusual: copper. So here we have the only star that stands for a mineral. Nice job, Arizona.

New Jersey

Uggh. There's another trophy from a smurf hunt. Looks like they got Papa.

Beyond having words and "hand," this flag fails thematically because it is just plain anachronistic. We see three plows and a cornucopia, both symbols of agriculture. But it is a well established fact that, aside from median strips, New Jersey is entirely paved. The state's nickname, "The Garden State," is also baffling until it is understood that no one uses that phrase absent its suffix "Parkway." The severed horse head is a nice nod to the mafia, but it really has to go anyway.

This is more like it. After all, what's more American than car culture and the open road? The green stripes at the top and bottom represent current agriculture in New Jersey. Adopt this flag, New Jersey! You're welcome.

Oklahoma

Oklahoma's state flag is a mess. It has a label in a weird font and "hand" all over the place. It's a mishmash of Native American symbols with an olive branch (a decidedly non-Native American symbol) laid over the top. You see, we have made peace with these people now that we have chased them from everywhere else into Oklahoma. Too much awkward history is brought up by this flag. "We honor the people we stole this land from." I mean, it's not like we have any Union Jacks on our state flags, except for Hawaii, and I'll fix that. But first, Oklahoma!

A radical departure, you say? No! This is similar to the original Oklahoma state flag, except they had a 46 in the star, which looked stupid. Then in 1917, Oklahomans complained that their flag looked too much like the brand new communist flags people were designing all over the world. Listen Oklahoma, if you had the flag first, then the communists were ripping you off. Don't be so spineless. Also, practically all of those commie countries have collapsed, so Oklahoma totally beat them all and regained the rights to a good looking flag. Adopt this flag, Oklahoma. You're welcome.

Arkansas

Man, Arkansas, you're so close! If it wasn't for that stupid label in the middle, this would be a really cool flag.

The 25 white stars represent Arkansas being our 25th state. That diamond shape represents diamonds, which have only been found within the USA in Arkansas. The four blue stars represent the countries Arkansas has been a part of: Spain, France, USA, and the Confederacy.

This just calls for a slight adjustment.

There. Adopt this flag, Arkansas. You're welcome

Alabama and Florida

Here is the state flag of Alabama. A white field with a red saltire on it. Simplicity itself. Looks like someone didn't get one of the top five answers on the board of a hundred people surveyed.

This saltire is intended to recall the confederate battle flag (like on the roof of the General Lee) which was itself intended to recall the St. Andrew's Cross on the flag of Scotland. The idea was to equate England's treatment of Scotland with Yankee's harsh treatment of Johnny Reb. Being a nicely subtle homage to the Confederacy, the Alabama state flag gets away with it, while other flags were more blatant.

I'm looking at you, Mississippi state flag!

Moving on, here's Florida. Whoops, there are some words. A violation of rule number one. Also there are drawings of things that can't be described mathematically. A violation of rule number two. Also, doesn't this look like Florida is trying to look like Alabama? Florida: We're Alabama with a sticker!

The sticker depicts a disgruntled native american who has been converted (hence the cross-emblazoned satchel) dumping mysterious white blobs on the ground. He or she is glowering past a palm tree at a combination sail and paddle boat. Yeesh.

May I offer an alternative?

There ya go, Sunshine State! A little yellow to brighten things up! Come on, this is pretty. Also, red and yellow are traditional colors of Spain, so it's historically relevant. Adopt it. You're welcome.

Redesigning the state flags

What does your state flag look like? Can you draw it from memory? Can you spot it at a distance? Probably not. Most of our state flags really stink. Want proof? Have a look at this!

These are half of our state flags. Please note the individuality. A blue field with a thingy in the center. The only state that design can be argued to actually represent is Hawaii, and that one isn't even up there. We'll get to that later. If your state flag is somewhere in this image and you located it, it's most likely because you are from Kansas, Montana, Oklahoma or Wisconsin and you read it. So you cheated. But it's not your fault. It's your state flag's fault.

RULE NUMBER ONE: A flag should not have words on it. Individual letters are acceptable if done tastefully. Currently, out of the 50 states, 38 have words on them. So we've got a lot of work to do. Lot's of those words are in Latin, so nobody knows what they mean anyway. So no words.

RULE NUMBER TWO: A flag should have no "hand." This requires a little explanation. Let's compare two flags. First is Texas.

This is a nice flag. It represents "The Lone Star State" well with its star count. A kid could draw this and feel reasonably confident that he or she has captured the essence of the flag. This flag can be stated with a reasonably simple mathematical description:

Width to length: 3/2. Left third blue. Centered in blue is white, upward pointing regular five-pointed star whose diameter is 3/4 width of blue stripe. Upper half of right two thirds white. Lower half of right two thirds red.

That may sound complex, but let's compare it to another state flag.

Here we have Idaho. Go on, kid. Draw it.

So this is what I mean by "hand." I could say, "We need a gal in a white robe with a pole with a black smurf hat on top and she should be holding a scale and looking to the left and there's a cornucopia snaking around her legs and a deer head and a mountain range and a river in a shield and a guy with a pickaxe and a shovel and some rocks and a white banner and plants with two yellow ribbons on them... and this description could go on for pages and pages, and you could never draw it. Never.

Granted, "hand" isn't the only problem with this flag. There's also a "kitchen sink" issue here.

So, this post and the ones beneath it are going to feature state flags, good and bad, and redesign the really bad ones so everyone can picture their flag in their heads, recognize it at a distance, and draw it at least to the point that it can be distinguished from other state flags. You're welcome.